November 27, 2010

Personal musing

Is being forty something just a random number or is it middle age? I don't feel middle aged. I have come so far from the very insecure, defensive young woman of my early twenties to the woman I am today. I may not have a degree or a glamorous career,or have traveled but am happy where I am today. hopefully I can still travel, i can dream about it, even plan where I would like to go but know that it doesn't define me. My best friends are now all over the world but not where I can have coffee with them, this I miss.
My life is so different from what it was even five years ago. I have survived losing my precious Mum, gone through a double mastectomy, moved countries, started working for the first time in 10 years ( the temp jobs don't count), owned my own business. Had I known life would change so drastically, would I have enjoyed a sunset on Kariba more, taken greater pleasure in a cup of tea with Mum, spent more time playing with my children, I don't know. What I do know is that each day I waste being anxious or in one of my depressed fugs, is wasted. I do know that living apart from Derek has made him more caring and makes our time together so precious.
I pose a question to anyone who reads this, if you could be someone else for a day, who would it be?... I can't answer this, I like Me and don't want to be anyone else. Am I odd? I hope not.. maybe I am just a airhead, this is also OK, do I have some goals or vision, again I don't seem to be able to answer these questions, some days my most difficult task is simply to get out of bed and survive the day when all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. what do I know - I have a beautiful daughter, a caring son, a husband who loves me, very special sisters, amazing friends, what more could I ask for, the rest seems so inconsequential.

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